Everyone has a Fart story

Everyone has at least one fart story. Some of you may know that I have a tendency to name things. The following incident is known in our family as The Mother’s Day Fart. (update: aka The Wal-Mart Fart -- ***Amanda)

I was my eldest daughter’s guest of honor at Washington State University (Wazzu) on a mother’s day weekend some years back. Her roommate’s mother enjoyed the same privilege.

Most of the weekend is a faint memory with the exception of two things. The first was a late evening rainstorm that lured thousands of earthworms to the surface. They were anterior to posterior (I'd say end to end, but don't they have heads?) on the sidewalk when we were returning from a special musical affair. By the time we arrived at the dormitory I swear I was two inches taller from all the goo stuck on my shoes.

Then, of course, there was the fart.

We woke up late Sunday, which made our plans for a nice brunch morph into a lunch across the border in Moscow, Idaho. The Chinese restaurant we chose served a lovely meal, which we followed up with a trip to Wal-Mart. Neither mother had shopped in a Wal-Mart store so we looked upon it as an adventure.

As we drove into the parking lot, I felt lunch gurgling in my belly. I knew that could cause some grimacing in the near future. Being an honest person, I warned the other three that I was feeling some discomfort. Once I broached the subject, a few stories followed. I, of course, disclosed that I had been the unfortunate target of several indiscreet “fluffers” over the previous week. Two elderly women had been standing close to me at the theater when one of them tooted. Adding insult, they looked at each other, than at me, as though I was the perpetrator. At the supermarket there was a male senior citizen sharing the aisle who popped when he put his left foot in, then again when he put his left foot out. Either he was doing the hokey pokey or he was deaf.

The girls “giggled” while we exited the car. We then entered the store, passed the greeter (hmm fancy!), and found ourselves at the shoe department. The first encounter was a Kiosk of sandals in all colors and sizes that we circled like a wagon train. The inspection of the treasure had just begun when an obese woman in polyester pants waddled in between the daughters. That is when it happened. She lost control. The ensuing escape of methane discharged --- and applauded itself, ta-boot.

The eyes of two mothers and two daughters met in a silent stare across the faux leather. There were no expressions. There were no movements. We were four statues held in some sort of a now what? trance.

The suspended animation might have held had it not been for the woman’s husband. He turned his head away, covered his mouth, and with a feigned and exaggerated coughing fit made a feeble and inane attempt to mimic his wife’s blast.

The tension was broken. In what could best be described as a synchronized escape, each of us executed a perfect pirouette and streaked in opposite directions. In some “unsolved mystery”, we managed to assemble in an aisle in the back of the huge super store and scurry out the nearest exit.

We laughed all the way back to Wazzu.

Comments

Karmyn R said…
heh heh heh -

And when I came to, I was looking at little boy shoes, wondering where everyone else has disappeared to.
Amanda said…
Ah, I was waiting for a FART story. Be careful, I might have to tell the story about the "Furniture Store Fart." See, I can name things too... :)
Amanda said…
And, I thought it was called "The WalMart Fart?"
willowtree said…
Gosh darn! I jest cairnt get enuff o them fart stories!

I always though Wazzu was the abbreviation for where Bullwinkle went to college.

fodwox! I'm sure I got the verification right!
Pamela said…
Amanda.... I think you're right. We have called it the Wal Mart Fart, too.

That even ryhmes better.
Pass The Torch said…
Too funny! Fart stories have a life of their own, don't they?
Kellie said…
My stomach hurts, i'm laughing so hard!
Susan in va said…
ROFL!!!! Great story!

Congrats on your OUAB award!!
Kailani said…
That is so funny. I don't know why it's so embarrassing since it's just part of human nature. Humor will always lighten a situation!
Debs said…
That is FUNNY. My sister and I have "The Hallmark" story. I will have to post someday to my blog. Love reading your blog :)
Robin said…
Pamela~THIS should win some kind of PRIZE! Do you tell stories as well as you write them? My kids LOVE it when we tell them stories about our past.

I wanna see some more of your art. You'll have to share in a future post.
Julie said…
ROFL! That.is.too.funny.

Oh. My cheeks hurt from laughing. That is funny. I can just imagine that.

One time my parents were doing their grocery shopping in a wholesale grocery store. Dad was kind of falling behind and Mom didn't think much of it. She walked through a green cloud a woman had left behind but just kept going without causing a scene. Sorry, I am cracking myself up again! OH goodness. LOL Then here comes my Dad! He, lol, goes - "Oh man! Do you smell that? What is that smell? Did you do that?" Oh. My. Heck. He kept doing the whole - sshheeewww! thing. My Mom said she just kept walking like she didn't know him. We still laugh about it to this day!
Mert said…
*Gasp* Oh my garsh, the best part was when you said that the fart applauded itself! I'm still laughing!
Devon said…
Hi Pamela,
It happened again, I tried to get into the comment section but it woundn't let me in and as I tried to shut the page down, it came up.

There is also a significant delay.
Anonymous said…
Once I was camping with my family, and after a dinner of baked beans and weenies I let one rip inside our camper that would have peeled the paint off a barn. I swear that the air turned a smoky blue, like the inside of a honky-tonk bar on a Saturday night. At first my family was just shocked by the initial report, a kind of extended "Her-berrrrrrrrrrrt!" But then the rancid smell kicked in, as the smoggy cloud enveloped its helpless victims. The event was ever after known as "The Phantom Menace," and the sight of my family spilling out of the camper gagging still brings a smile to my face....

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