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Monday, March 05, 2007

Fun Monday - The Worst Opening Sentence


The sun poked through the slatted window like the tines of a fork, because a spoon is too rounded, skewing her eyeballs, her head a wedge of muenster squeezed between two saltines, which have more crumbs than club crackers, that were continually scratching her throat, and the bottom of a canary cage taste in her mouth, not assuming otherwise about parakeets, with the resulting feathers pressuring her to sneeze and all the symptoms twisting her like a Rubik’s cube, rather than Twister that requires other players, throughout the night making her feel as though she’d been hit by a truck; a thought confirmed when she looked up to see Ken Worth standing in the hallway.



This weeks Fun Monday challenge is "To compose an exceptionally bad opening sentence for any piece of writing (not limited to novels...but not including blog posts) and to include a photograph or brief description of some aspect of that sentence."


If you appreciated (or didn't) the one I wrote then you'll want to enjoy more of the same. This Monday, March 5, check out Min's list over at Mama Drama to see who is participating in this Fun Monday.

PS. I hope "her" is feeling better soon.



30 comments:

ian said...

Bleargh.

Ian

Jenny said...

Oh girl. You've set the bar high (or possibly low) for the rest of us.

Pass The Torch said...

Oh my good heavens. That is the worst sentence I've ever read.

You did a marvelous job, like the kind of job a blog reader does when she winces in pain the fourth time she pours over the excruciating paragraph-sentence Bloglines thrust upon her in the guise of her innocent pal at the Dust Will Wait; grabbing the closest weapon to her computer, she crashes her Stanley stapler into the monitor, and cries out as the shards of monitor glass litter her keyboard.

I hate it when that happens.

Have a great week!

Willowtree said...

Send me the name of the book that's from, I want to buy that baby! That's my kind of litoratour.

PS. I love the colour co-ordination.

Robin said...

Wretched, simply wretched! It's amazing that the previous sentence is a compliment, but it is :).

East of Oregon said...

great post! have a great week :)

min said...

I am so loving this topic! I keep reading and re-reading the sentences that have been posted so far. I'm taking notes. I've noticed a very macabre theme to most of them and I'm loving it!

Purpleworms said...

I love the bottom of the canary cage taste!! What perfectly disgusting prose!!

Karmyn said...

Did Ken Worth have a square head?

Melissa said...

Comma comma comma, comma, comma. My favorite part:

"saltines, which have more crumbs than club crackers,"

Perfectly awful! I love it!

Gattina said...

Are you sure you didn't have a few Whisky's before writing that ??

Gattina said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Pamela said...

Gattina, I tried to remove the double post. I SHOULD have been under the influence, for sure.
Melissa, I prefer club crackers just for that reason. Hey I tried them with marmite
Karmyn; with red, yellow and blue squares
purpleworms; it does make your tongue squirm yes?
Min: ya kinda have to read and re-read. The whole time saying whaaa?
East: sorry you had to read it
Robin: Thank you, I feel like Poe (never more, never more)
WT: You set the bar
PTT: Looks like you should have entered a sentence
Jen: It's sort of like a Limbo in words
Ian: I have 1/2 box of kleenix left, God Bless you.

kailani said...

I read it three times and I still don't have any idea what the author is trying to say!

Beccy said...

Thought I'd already left a comment here but obviously not.

Loved the canary cage reference but not the image it brings to my mind!

Sabrina said...

That was truly awful, especially the part about the canary cage in the mouth feeling. Well done!

Margaret said...

And that is exactly how i feel today. Blech... Great job!

enid said...

super, err, enid means superbly awful, like a train crash but in a good way, or perhaps more like soup, with chunky bit after chunky bit, gagging you until finally you run to a halt, gasping for breath, like this, or perhaps rather more like that.

definitely one of the best, err, worst, out there.

nikki said...

wow, that sucked! good job!

(and love the green glob pic!)

Heather said...

I have no idea what you just said. But now I want some Muenster.

James Cooper said...

Whoah, okay, that was definitely more than I could retain in my poor noggin. It started off feeling like classic noir and then I just got overwhelmed. Phew, good job.

Little Miss Moi said...

dear pamela. I think you take the cake. I read that sentence twenty times, and I still don't know what the bleedin's going on...!

Bethany said...

Awful, just awful!

Stephanie said...

Though that sentence is, indeed, perhaps the worst ever written, it is an apt description of morning sickness.

Well done, my friend. Well done!!!

Pamela said...

Stephanie: Thank Goodness I don't have that or I'd be in Ripleys Believe it or not

Bethany: thank you, just thank you.

LM Moi: I'm sick.

James: I'm honored to have overwhelmed You!

Heather: with club crackers

Nikki: that was the best compliment so far!

Enid: yea.

Sabrina: bottoms of bird cages have always intrigued me

Beccy: Check out the next bird cage you see and remember me

Kailani: I sent you a personal translation

LittleJen said...

I think i look like that green gremlin on sunday after being with the girsl all weekend... fancy that..lol

Jenn said...

this is beyond bad - this is simply hilariously insane! excellent horrible writing :)

(and, for shame to think otherwise about the parakeets!) :P

SongBird said...

That sentence put the Energizer Bunny to shame....it just ran on and on and on and......

Mert said...

That truly was awful and awe-ful! :D

Anonymous said...

enough already