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Monday, November 24, 2008

Ground, open up and eat me

Mariposa, author of Mariposa's Tales, is hosting Fun Monday today in celebration of her 3-year blogging anniversary.
Thanks lady, and CONGRATULATIONS!

The topic she chose is High Moments in Our Lives:
I
f you could share to us 3-5 high moments in your lives...this could be funny moments...the you can't believe you did it moments...the "I told you so" moments...or the times we asked the ground to go open and eat us moments! You need not write a book to explain them, the highlights will do.

I chose the humiliation event. If you dare.... Read on:

* * * * *

It was just an ordinary Saturday -- as ordinary Saturdays rolled those 15 years ago.

My youngest daughter, Mandy, invited a new classmate to join us at the region’s best shopping center. (60 miles away.)

We had an understanding at the mall. I kept track of them, but stayed my distance. (As any un-cool mother must do so as not to embarrass her 12 year old daughter.)

We had a fun shopping day and I had been the perfect host. ( She'd not once groaned “Oooohh mom” or rolled her eyes.)

It was an “Alls well that ends well” scenario as we headed for home.

That is, until I saw the brand new furniture store from the freeway. (Several signs advertised rock bottom sales.)

I had been browsing some stores closer to home looking for a new living room couch. I took the nearest exit with high hopes that I might find one that I liked - on sale.

After I parked the car, we headed into the brightly illuminated showroom. (The girls weren’t interested, but thought it would be less boring than waiting in the car. Boy howdy!)

A queasiness crept up on me as I looked at styles and compared prices. We were at the farthest end of the huge sales floor when the cramps hit me. (Like a hammer.)

“Oh No……….where’s the ladies room?” I whispered frantically, took one step towards the girls, and lost control.

Praise be! It was only gas! But, it was amazingly offensive. (Loud and long and disSTINKtly malodorous.)

“Oh mom, how could you, Oh! Oh! OH!” My daughter’s mortified expression made my stomach hurt more.

I’d done the unpardonable. (“Dear God, why didn’t you give me sons for a time like this?”)

My heart beat wildly and I could barely speak, “Girls, leave! Car, now!”

Each of my steps was accompanied by a syncopated release of methane. (The proverbial purple cloud formed as I hustled.)

When the situation reached the two girls noses they covered their faces and let their feet fly to the distance exit. (They waited but pretended they didn’t know me.)

I began to laugh. (Hysteria.) That door was miles away and I was going to melt into a puddle before I got anywhere near it.

Thank goodness some resolve formed and determination overruled. I scouted out the direct route and set my jets. (A surprisingly accurate description.)

The young male clerk at the opposite end of the store, however, had observed our odd behavior and was determined to offer his services.

My escape was in sight and I refused to make eye contact with anyone. (Eyes on the goal, you know) The toxic bloom increased with my speed.

Recognizing my intent, the clerk altered his zig zag route just in time to intercept me about 20 feet short of the door.

“Can…. I help you….. ladies …..find something,” he spoke with short breaths. (Induced by an open sprint and several long jumps over displays.)

I just wanted to get out of there. (I was aimed and fully loaded.) I had no patience nor any desire to share space with him and the asphyxiating cloud that would be arriving in short order.

Without slowing, I physically brushed him aside, mumbled some desperate apology about losing track of time, and vaulted for the exit. (That rude little push was nothing compared with the lethal assault coming for his nostrils.)

The automatic door couldn’t open fast enough, and I was in my car in a nano- second. (They didn’t have nano seconds back then, but I’d already borrowed into future years of embarrassment and I deserve that description.)

My shame was so complete and so deep that I don’t remember much else after that. Not the hour plus drive home. Not dropping the friend off at her home. Darn! I don’t even remember her name.

The poor flatulently abused child never graced our home with her presence again. (I doubt she forgot my name. Can’t you just picture her pointing me out to her parents at the next PTA meeting?)

It wasn’t very long after this incident (and my memory back in working order) that I found a suitable new couch in a different store. That leads me to the 2nd most humiliating day in my life. But, you’re not going to hear about it today.

Please link here to read something more inspirational and encouraging from the other Fun participants. (And then pretend that you don’t know me, either.)


39 comments:

the planet of janet said...

bwahahahahahahaha! that is precious, pamela, just precious!

Celeste said...

Argh! See, living with dogs one doesn't have to worry about such things. They think "jet propulsion" rocks (g).

LadyStyx said...

Oh dear heavens! I dont think I have anything even close to that...

Heather said...

That reminds me of the time I released some gas in my office, and a colleague walked in and commented on the odd smell - like methane gas. She was quite concerned that there might be a gas leak and that perhaps we should call the building maintenance people. I played dumb and never let on that it was a gas leak of another kind.

12ontheinside said...

HAHAHAHA! Brilliant.

Mariposa said...

Oh my!!!

Ha ha ha ha!

Love it...

So funny...

I almost fell from my chair...laughing!

Happy Fun Monday!

IamwhoIam said...

Too funny, but I think we all have had a moment or two like that.

It good to see you again Pam

Sarah said...

Oh my gosh that is just too funny! I'm not sure who I feel sorriest for in your story!!
Thanks for sharing that with us :)

Hootin' Anni said...

I am literally ROLLING!!! This was so funny. I would have said this post stinks, but that would be rude. It didn't stink!---Seriously. This is the best by far. Yet, you tease us with the 2nd humiliating day?!!?!!!

Happy Monday.

Mine's posted, but you'll need to scroll down beyond my Ranch Hand Breakfast photos I posted this morning on my blog to read some of my 'memories'.

m (the misanthrope) said...

Hahahaaaaaaaaa!!! Hilarious. I mean, I'm sure it wasn't hilarious at the time but it's funny in hindsight...OOPS...I didn't mean that :-)

I think we all have had similar moments, when Mother Nature reminds us of our human frailties...and usually at the most inopportune moments. Thanks for sharing!

m (the misanthrope) said...

P.S. Thanks for your lovely comment on my post, and congratulations on 33 years! Here's hoping for many more happy years for both of us!

hulagirlatheart said...

Oh, that's hilarious. We've all been there. We don't like to admit it, but we have. Thanks for being brave enough to tell your tail...I mean tale.

SwampAngel65 said...

Ohhhhh!!! Too funny! Just proves we are all human. I bet each and every one of us has had a similar experience...(i know I have).

Faye said...

Well there you have the Thanksgiving dinner topic already selected! Would love to hear your daughter's version of the day. . .

On another topic--how are you feeling this week about quitting your job? Sometimes you just know when it's time to leave.

Team Gherkin said...

That's glorious! Thanks so much for sharing it!

Don;t feel too disconsolate about your employment situation either, alright? promise? ;)

Cyalayta
Mal :)

The Ramblin Irishman said...

Aw Pam. Only you could write in such a manner as to keep us all in stitches. You have made my day. I agree with Faye, I would love to hear your daughters version of the aromatic display. You are a hoot.

ChrisB said...

It's the way you tell them! I have been laughing hysterically as I read this, and I am full of curiosity about the 2nd event. I do hope it will be aired sometime!

Amanda said...

I think her name was Liz. It was the FIRST and LAST time we ever hung out. Whatdya know.

heather said...

My face is turning red for you.

Rurality said...

One of the few good things about getting older is that stuff like that doesn't bother me nearly as much as it used to! I have to work a lot harder to embarrass myself nowdays. ;)

Jan said...

Oh, my, you are a vert funny dangerous lady. I had a hard time picking myself up off the floor.

Kathleen Marie said...

Ha! That is so hilarious and a bit to familiar...But we'll leave that story for another day as well... And just remember, it could have been worse! Hugs to you and thanks for the smile!

Beckie said...

What store was it? You know - so I can accurately picture the whole thing!

Maybe since you are now a lady of leisure you will have more time to write. Yeah for us!

Janis said...

That was too funny, I know your daughter was just mortified, her friend is probaly still talking about it.

Karmyn R said...

I was there and remember vividly. I don't remember Amanda's friend either.

Desert Songbird said...

My husband would have used the incident to tease, unmercifully, his children and make a point of shifting he embarrassment. Men are like adult boys, aren't they?

Carmi said...

I deeply admire your courage in sharing this. I think we've all had similar moments at some point, but we haven't had the guts to tell it like it happened - or with such grace and humor.

You rock.

Junebug said...

Good thing this Fun Monday wasn't "show and tell." Or "show and tail." Whichever. HIlarious!

dawn said...

That is so funny, well, the description you give; I can totally empathize with the horrible experience and embarrassment. I can totally empathize with the smell too as we have Frodo whose popcorn farts can clear a large room with a single puff. You are courageous writing about your experience. I wonder if the friend has a blog.

foam said...

this brought such a huge grin to my face ..
brought back memories of my own embarrasing moments ..
ummmmm, no not ready to share though .. :)

Sayre said...

At least you stunk up the store and not your car!!!

And yes... boys have a totally different take on flatulence. If your child had been a boy, this would have been a badge of honor (and gone on HIS list of high moments!).

wendster said...

Isn't it amazing what our bodies are capable of?

Who knew?

And that was excellently written. And holy cow can I empathize. I think we all can. Who hasn't gone a "flatulence gone wild" moment?

We just forge bravely ahead and proclaim: "These pants are washable!"

... oh the farts with lumps.

Brooke said...

That was so funny I almost peed myself!!

swampy said...

I would write more but there is some kind of stench in the air and I can't breathe...pardon me while I hold my breath.

robinellablog said...

I'm not playing but boy was that funny. And you are right, boys would have loved you for it.

Far Side of Fifty said...

Very honest! Great story! I really enjoyed it:)

Jennifer said...

OH...WOW....I ached for you as I read that. I guess that's what you get for dragging a couple of adolescents furniture shopping. The teen god was smiting you down for your insolence.

lisaschaos said...

Now we know how you ran your kids' friends off. :) Stink 'em out. :) Hilarious!

graceonline said...

Oh, man, I laughed so hard I nearly disgraced myself! Thanks for my guffaw of the day. You are that rare breed--one who can write funny.